1. 🔘For Starters
June, must be my favorite month of the year; bright sunshine, birds tweeting, butterflies’ wings fluttering; Sam’s Birthday, my birthday, our wedding anniversary, the list could go on and on. If I closed my eyes, I could vision the colors of June, macaron blue topped with white sugar powder. I could also smell the scent of fluffy cotton candy. I love June. I live for the summer.
All of these changed on the day of June 1st, 2015. Lying in the recovering room after my 16th surgery, shivering and shaking from the waking of anesthesia, with my coarse and meek voice, seemingly like my last breath, I asked the nurse, did my toes move? “No, I am sorry.” With that, I let myself fall into the power of trance.
I wasn’t too worried. My previous 15 surgeries always had ups and downs, Sam and I have waved it all. My toes are just in a short coma, they will be awake in a few days, just like before.
Never did I know, how naive I was this time.
I have Chondrosarcoma, a type of tumor which occur mostly in hips, pelvis, and in the limbs. It is resistant to radiotherapy and chemothrapy. For me, it nests in my spine. There was nothing to be done, except surgery after surgery, before it suppresses my spinal cord, and effects my lower limbs functions.
It has remained low-grade for the past 18 years, meaning it’s not spreading or taking your life, YET. I am just stuck in a limbo, there’s no getting out; trapped in a dark hole that engulfs you without a breather.
I tried to be pious, I ate everything, from herbal to lizard skin; I tried every treatment there is, the damned tumor hunted me everywhere with no sign of giving up.
There was a doctor in a famous Taiwan Cancer Center who dismissed me by saying, “There’s nothing we can do for you. You will end up in a wheelchair anyways.”
2011, we decided to try proton, it seemed there might be a chance of getting rid of the tumor. We contacted the Accredited hospital on the East Coast, the cost was more than a million dollars. Not if I win the lottery would I have that kind of money. We then found the hospital on the west coast which was the first to have proton machines, the cost was much reasonable, $100,000. They told us, the cure rate is 80%, and it’s going to be a “radiation vacation”, relax, and enjoy the ride.
I brought so much hope and anticipation there, but came home in a wheelchair, my legs were failing me. Yes, the rad-vacay was another failure.
Finally, Dr. Huang from the Veteran’s Hospital was the only doctor who was willing to take me under his wings. He was blunt, “You might be paralyzed on the table if anything went wrong, but I will do my best.” That was 2012, my 8th spine surgery. After the surgery, and physiotherapy, I was learning how to walk again. In less then three months, I was pregnant.
in limbo meaning 在 "To be in limbo": Explanation needed - English Stack Exchange 的推薦與評價
a place to which persons or things are regarded as being relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past, or out of date. · prison, jail, or confinement. · -phrase- in ... ... <看更多>
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